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My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me. "I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."  And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

 
 

 

Subject: Harley Davidson

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson
Motorcycle Corporation, died
and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter
told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and you're motorcycles
have changed the world. So
your reward is, you can hang out with anyone
you want in heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and
then said "I want to hang out
with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room,
and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the
inventor of woman?"

God said "Ah, yes I am."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to
professional, you have some
major design flaws in your invention

1. There's too much inconsistency in the
front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and
wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the
exhaust. And finally,
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points
there," replied God. "Hold on"
God went to his Celestial super computer,
typed in a few words and
waited for the results? The computer printed
out a slip of paper and God
read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed " God said to
Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more
men are riding my invention.

COWBOYS

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex
positions.

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."

"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy,
"What is it?"

"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you
mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her
breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just
like your sister's."

Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds

 

Pink Weenie

A couple, attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, matriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal miners, and the guy In the middle went home for lunch.

 

 

Good One

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

 As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman
 boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat

As fate would have it,

she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out,

"Business trip or pleasure?"

 She turned, smiled and said,

"Business.  I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America
 Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next
to him, and she was going to a meeting of Nymphomaniacs.
 

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's
your business role at this convention?"  

"Lecturer," she responded. "

I use information that I have learned from my personal
experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said.

"And what kind of myths are there?"
 "Well," she explained,

"one popular myth is that African-American men are the most
well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
 
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best
stamina is the Southern Redneck."
 

Suddenly the woman became a little

uncomfortable and blushed.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of
this with you.  I don't even know your name."

 
"Tonto," the man said,

"Tonto Goldstein,

but my friends call me Bubba."

 Whether Democrat or Republican, or what I am, I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs,
so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So t he little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.  
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit .

 

 

 

Harley Davidson

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and
take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a
question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on
the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a
rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take
valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works
just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the
really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the
mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

 

GOTTA LOVE THIS NURSE

A highway patrolman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well.
However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch
Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his pubic hair were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that takes everything with it when you pull it off.
Written in large black letters across the tape was the sentence: "Get well quick...... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."

A man was in a long line at Walmart.
As he got to the register he realized
he had forgotten to get condoms, so
he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some brought up to the register.
 
She asked, 'What size condoms?'
 
 The customer replied that he didn't
know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.
 
She reached over the counter, grabbed
hold of him and called over the intercom,
'One box of large condoms, Register 5.'
 
The next man in line thought this was
interesting, and like most of us, was up
for a cheap thrill.
 
When he got up to the register, he
told the checker that he too had
forgotten to get condoms, and asked
if she could have some brought to the
register for him.
 
She asked him what size, and he stated
that he didn't know. She asked him to
drop his pants. He did.

She gave him a quick feel, picked up
the intercom and said, 'One box of
medium-sized condoms, Register 5.'
 
A few customers back was this teenage
boy. He thought what he had seen was
way too cool. He had never had any type
of sexual contact with a live female, so
he thought this was his chance.
 
When he got to the register he told the
checker he needed some condoms.
 
She asked him what size and he said
he didn't know.? She asked him to drop
his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said...
 
  
(you'll love this one...................)
 
 

 

 

 

 



 'Cleanup, Register 5'

 

  

 

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around

the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum

speed on the long corridors.

 

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other

residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky

Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. STOP!' he shouted in a firm

voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and

held it up to him.

 

'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped

out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?'

Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to

him.

 

Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of

her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!'


 

 TWO WOMEN PLAYING GOLF


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit
one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin,
fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could
relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed
her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her ha nds inside. She administered tender and artful massage for
several long moments and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

Late one night, Jr. hears a noise coming from his parent’s bedroom.

He decided to peek inside the room to see what the noise was.

He sees his mother bent over the mattress and his father behind her going at it.

As he began to shut the door, the father looked up and gave his son a wink.

 

Once the deed was finished, the father went to go check on the son.

Upon opening the door he sees grandma bent over the bed with Jr. behind her going at it. 

He shouts “Jr., what the hell are you doing”?

Jr. replied, “It’s not so funny when it’s your mother, is it?”

 

 

Biker Bar

 A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
 He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.
 After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, You
 wanna hear a blonde joke?'
 The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
 In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you
 tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind,
 that you should know five things:
 1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
 2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
 3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
 4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight
lifter.
 5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

 Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

 The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters.
 'No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
Condoms in my Car

I was a very happy man.  My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.  She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.  She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.  She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.  She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.  I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.  I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.  We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.  Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:   Always keep your condoms in your car.
 

 

First Affair

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her

mother, 'Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today!'

Before the mother could raise a concern,

Sally went on to say, 'It reminded me of a peanut.'

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, 'Really small, was it?'

Sally replied, 'No... salty!'

Mom fainted. 
 
You've Gotta Love Drunk People

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!'  He slams the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.

'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.

'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'

'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.

'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk. ......

 

 

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight

out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks.

Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to

where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms

straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each sack.

 

 
Best Blond joke ever!

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and she says, 'I don't care wha t it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you lef t yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!) 

 

Mad Wife Disease
 

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked.
'That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on,' he explained.
'Oh honey, I'm sorry,' she said. I should have known there was a good explanation
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What the hell was that for?'
She replied...
'Your horse called.'
 

 Condoms For Every Man!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What's are these, Dad?'

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.'

'Oh I see,' replied the boys pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?'

The dad replies, 'Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.'

'Cool!' says the boy. He notices a 6-pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?'

'Those are for college men,' The dad answers, 'TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.'

'WOW!' exclaimed the boy. 'Then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a
12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March...'